Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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