if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
