Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
