ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
