i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
