The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
