So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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