life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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