Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
