I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
