I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
