i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
