Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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