Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
