This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
