take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
