I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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