Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
