Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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