You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
