I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
