She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
