When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
