I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Randomize
