just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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