2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
