I will die if light touches me.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
