WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
