im drinking this country out of the recession.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
