I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
