omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
