ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
