Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
