did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
