I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
