Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
