I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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