if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
