I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
