By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
