Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
