I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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