i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you win again, gameday.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
