Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
