I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I understand Curling. That high.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You don't make any sense
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