we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
