My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
