Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
