Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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