I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
