So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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