why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
